Deadpool's Deadriffic Day
by Pootis McTootis
Summary: When a date with Death goes awry, Deadpool is forced to buy milk for his blind roommate. But when Pranksters come into the corner store and shoot Dopender, stealing Deadpool's milk, Deadpool is forced to face his fears, and go where no Deadpool has gone before... to where the Prankster things are! The second instalment to the shit-show: Rated M for your Mom's sake.


Deadpool's Deadriffic Day

Another (long) short story which details a day in my life in exchange for currency

By: You already know who dis is

Deadpool came back to life, choking on bleach, and trying to pat out the fires on him. Deadpool had just had a Deadriffic Date Night with Death, and had been right in the middle of… well… when he was forced to come back to life. It would have been very unsexy to come back after an interruption, so his whole date night had been pretty much ruined. Naturally, this had pissed off Deadpool quite much.

"I swear", Deadpool said, "life just doesn't give a stork a toaster strudel."

Deadpool stood up, and walked back into the apartment he was squatting in, and yelled, "I'm home!"

Blind Al, the blind old black lady that lived with Deadpool, who was sitting in front of the TV, "watching" Matlock, yelled back, "You never left! You just sat in the alcove, drinking bleach, lighting yourself on fire, and shooting yourself for three hours!"

"It was Date Night", Deadpool admitted. "You know, with Death?"

"I can't even see her", Blind Al said, "and I can already tell that you have horrible taste."

"Careful, Al", Deadpool retorted. "With your luck, she heard that!"

"I still have a few moves left", Al said, as she karate-chopped a lamp in the corner, "I can still knock her down."

"Speaking of which", Deadpool remarked, "England called; they want their retarded accent back."

"That's funny, cause Freddy Krueger called", Blind Al retorted, "he wants his face back."

"You cut me deep, Al", Deadpool said, placing a hand over his heart. "You cut me real deep just then."

As Matlock ended with a legal case closed, Blind Al looked up at the crazed killer, and asked him, "What are we gonna do today?"

"Nothing", Deadpool replied, "It was Date Night, and that's already been screwed over by life, so we've got nothing to do today. So, try and find a Matlock Marathon, or something else entertaining, maybe like Chinese Handcuffs, 'cause today, absolutely nothing is gonna happening."

"If that's the case", Blind Al said, "then go get some milk."

"Oh, the milk thing again", Deadpool said with a sigh. "Can't you just let that go?"

"We've been without milk for three months", Blind Al informed him, "and you keep asking for cookies, which I can't, and wont, make without milk. You want cookies, get milk."

"Can't you just use water to make cookies?"

"No milk, no cookies", Blind Al said simply, with a turn of her head. "Now quiet", she told him, as she used the remote to flip channels, "I'm trying to find that Captain America movie; you know, the first one."

"You and Captain America", Deadpool said, shaking his head.

"Hey", Blind Al said, shrugging, "dating a Super Soldier is hard to forget."

"Alright, fine", Deadpool said, finally relenting. "Just so I won't have to hear all those dang stories again, I'll go get some milk."

"Good", Blind Al said with a huff, "I knew you'd pull through."

Deadpool walked out of the house, not able to think of a good retort, and then, finally thinking of one, ran back inside, saying, "You're old."

"You're a schizophrenic", Blind Al retorted. "After all, you're talking to a blind woman who's watching TV. I could be a cranial hallucination, for all you know."

Deadpool thought about that for a moment, and finally decided that, even if Blind Al was right, he didn't really care. He walked back outside.

"Made ya think", Blind Al muttered with a chuckle.

Deadpool hopped onto the Deadmobile, and revved it up. It made an annoying high-pitched whine, because it was a crappy little moped. He took off on it, right onto a busy highway. He dodged cars left and right, achieving frightful speeds of five miles an hour. After roughly an hour of barely dodging cars in time, he found the off ramp that he needed to take, and drove onto it. He took the service road to the Fastie Mart, and drove into the handicapped parking spot, sticking a handicap sign on his moped, because his face was a dating handicap. He put the kickstand up on his moped, and walked inside.

For the most part, the place was quiet. Whenever Deadpool needed to buy groceries, and all he had was three hundred bucks, it was a great place to shop. No one ever came because the store was so overpriced, so no one would see his ugly face.

Except Dopinder.

Dopinder drove a taxi before he owned the Fastie Mart. Deadpool had encouraged him, in that very taxi, to kill his brother, and kidnap his brother's wife for himself. Of course, being the only advice Dopinder had gotten on the situation, he did it without question. It had made for an awkward situation the next time he drove with Dopinder, and had brought some goody-goody-two-shoe X-Men with him, but he was proud of the taxi driver nonetheless. It turned out to be an even better situation when Dopinder found out that his brother had been in control of a drug ring, and the police put Dopinder into the Witness Protection Program, and stuck him in the Fastie Mart. Now he was making money hand over fist, and he had a beautiful "wife".

So it was quite a shock to Deadpool when he walked into the Fastie Mart, and saw someone shoot Dopinder.

"Dopinder", Deadpool screamed, as the robber made his getaway. Deadpool ran up to Dopinder, and scooped up his limp body into his arms.

"Why God", Deadpool screamed at the Heavens, "he never hurt a soul- well, he killed his brother, and kidnapped his brother's wife… Why does everything we do have to have a consequence?!"

"It is ok, Mister Pool", Dopinder said, "he only shot me in the arm."

"Well then stop being a baby and get up, Dopinder", Deadpool said as he dropped Dopinder, "because I need milk."

"I am sorry, Mister Pool", Dopinder said, as he got up, and held onto his arm, trying to stop the bleeding, "but he took the last jug of milk."

"He did WHAT", Deadpool yelled, as he looked around the corner, where the robber had run to.

Where the man had run off to, a man now stood, talking to a camera man. His face looked like a mashed potato had had sex with a lizard. Deadpool had never seen a face so ugly, and he had looked into a mirror once.

"What's up guys, this is Joey Salads", Joey Salads said to his camera man, "now, we just showed you how easy it is to rob a convenience store, and I hear sirens, so I'm leaving."

Joey Salads ran off, with the jug of milk in tow, towards the one part of town Deadpool had promised himself he would never go.

He called it; Where the Prankster-things are.

"Damn it, Dopinder", Deadpool debated, "I need that jug of milk so that my roommate will make me cookies; but I can't go back into that place, it's too terrible!"

"How about I come with you, Mister Pool", Dopinder offered.

"No, Dopinder", Deadpool replied, "I have to face my fears… I have to go; Where the Prankster-things are."

"Ok, Mister Pool", Dopinder said, "I will call myself an ambulance, because I'm feeling light-headed."

"No", Deadpool said, suddenly suspicious, "that's just what they'd expect."

…

Walking through the streets of SoFloSanAntonio put Deadpool on edge. In fact, even the author was scared, even though the streets were mostly empty. But by this time it had gotten dark out. SoFloSanAntonio was a place of lawlessness, death, destruction, and chaos, and when it was dark out, God help you. Pranksters could be hidden literally anywhere, plotting to do anything, and the Prank Police wouldn't do a thing about it.

To drive the point home, Deadpool spotted someone getting beat up in an alleyway, and all the while, the person beating him up was shouting, "I am the ultimate prankster!"

Even the laws of nature were lawless; for a moment, the sun came out. Deadpool walked past a nice preschool, where little children were going to school. The peace and beauty was soon cut short by the sound of Sam Pepper.

Like most pranksters, Sam Pepper had no moral compass. But whereas someone like Riceman would only pretend to shoot people coming outside of a school, Sam Pepper was such a heartless bastard that he would do anything, literally ANYTHING for YouTube cash.

"Hallo, guys", he told the camera that was following him around, "today, I'm filming a crazy prank."

He got into a monster truck, and drove through the school, knocking it to the ground with the children inside it.

"Now you've seen my prank", Sam Pepper said to the camera, "and I hope you've all learned a valuable lesson."

He then drove away. Just like that. Presto, blamo, destroy a school, and leave. No context, no point, just a prank, bro.

Now, not every prankster was as harmful as Sam Pepper was. In fact, while Deadpool was still trying to comprehend the awful "prank" that had been pulled, someone jumped out of the bushes in a monkey suit, screaming, "Ooga booga!"

Deadpool turned to him, and simply took his own mask off. The prankster screamed like a little girl, and ran off. Deadpool, after slipping the mask back on, continued walking through the streets, getting nervous and timid, as the sun quickly set again. Generic haunted house music began playing, and the street lights around him began to burst from poor maintenance.

The sun rose once again, and daytime flooded the streets.

Suddenly, from around the corner, Joey Salads yelled at the camera, "What's up guys, this is Joey Salads, and I'm gonna show you how easy it is to catfish a girl, in the hood. Now, I've set up a profile page, under the guise of being somewhat normal, and a girl named Jenifer has already hit me up. Now, she said she'd be here in five minutes, so I'm just waiting for her to walk up my driveway, and then I'm going to kidnap her."

Right as he said that, a girl shoved past Deadpool.

"Hey", Deadpool asked the girl, "are you Jenifer?"

"How did you know", she generically asked.

"How I know doesn't matter", Deadpool responded, "what does matter is that you're about to get pranked. Now, if you want to turn the tide on your prankster pals, you'll do exactly as I say. First, give me your wallet."

"What", Jenifer said, "No way!"

"Fine", Deadpool said, crossing his arms, and turning his head. "Get catfished and kidnapped. See if I care."

"Alright, fine", Jenifer relented, as she reached into her purse and pulled out her wallet. "Take it."

"Great, now for the second step; go die."

"What? Are you crazy?! Are you out of your mind?!"

"Trust me", Deadpool said, as he pushed her in front of a bus, killing her instantly.

Deadpool straightened out his spandex, and turned the corner, saying in a girly voice, "Hello, I'm Jenifer, I'm so pretty!"

"Are you Jenifer", Joey Salads asked, even though Deadpool had already clearly said that he was Jenifer.

"Yes", Deadpool responded in a girly voice, trying to hide his annoyance at Joey Salads' idiocy. "Are you normal like your profile said?"

"No", Joey Salads responded.

"Good", Deadpool said in his normal voice, as he pulled out one of his DEagles, "cause you have something that belongs to me, and I'm gonna put a bullet in you for it."

"Quick" Joey Salads yelled to his cameraman, "go get the phone, and dial the following letter-numbers; P-R-A-N-K!"

Deadpool shot Joey Salads in the head; his head exploded in a puff of salad, his body falling to the ground.

"That explains a lot", Deadpool commented, as salad blew every which way. The cloud of salad clouded his field of vision encompassing Joey Salads' cameraman, giving Deadpool no clean shot at Joey Salads' cameraman. By the time the salad had cleared, Joey Salads' cameraman had reached someone on the phone.

"Prank Police", the Prank Police said, "how may we prank you?"

"Help", the cameraman screamed, "my prankster just got killed!"

"Do you mean", the Prank Police said with a dramatic pause and gasp, "he got… pranked?"

"Worse", the cameraman said, "he got… prankt!"

"No", the Prank Police said, "a slight change in the word! Anything but a slight change in the word!"

"He was here just a second ago", the cameraman cried, "and now he's nothing but salad! Please, prank the prankster who prankt my prankster!"

"Don't worry", the Prank Police said, "we are on our way. Where are you now?"

"In Hell", Deadpool responded as he shot the cameraman in the back of his face. The phone went across the room, hitting the wall on the opposite side of the room, and fell to the ground. The Prank Police still talked through it, saying generic things like, "hello", and, "are you still there". Deadpool stepped on the phone, crunching it into the carpet.

Deadpool turned around, and surveyed the area. He looked all over the living room, in both bathrooms, and even the bedroom closet, but he still couldn't find his milk.

"If I was a jug of milk", Deadpool thought out loud, "where would I hide?"

The answer suddenly became obvious.

"In the back yard", Deadpool said, as he smacked himself on the head, "duh."

He turned, and walked out of the house, into the backyard, and found a garden gnome holding his jug of milk.

"There you are", Deadpool said to the jug of milk. "Now, time to take you home."

But as Deadpool tried to pull the jug of milk up, the garden gnome pulled it back down.

"You'll get yer milk", the garden gnome said, in an Irish accent, "if ya give me an English Haypenny."

"They don't make those anymore", Deadpool said to the garden gnome.

"Fook ya", the garden gnome responded, "no English Haypenny, no milk."

"You drive a hard bargain", Deadpool said, as he pulled out his DEagle.

"Ya shoot meh", the garden gnome said, as he placed the jug in front of him, "ya shoot yer fookin' milk."

Deadpool thought about that for a moment, and realized the gnome was right. He put his DEagle away, saying, "Fine, I'll get you an English Haypenny. But, only if you give me my milk, and a hint as to where I can find an English Haypenny."

"Try up your arse", the garden gnome replied. "Wut, ya think I'm supposed ta know everehthing cause I'm a fookin gnome? Fook ya."

"No hint", Deadpool said, as he crossed his arms, "no English Haypenny."

"Fine", the garden gnome relented. "There's a lad so terrible, even his own Da tried ta destroy 'im. But he's too powerful in tha dark arts. He runs this hellhole. Ya can find an English Haypenny in his mansion somewhere."

"Where in his mansion", Deadpool prodded, "could I find this Haypenny?"

"Do Ah look like me patience is everlastin'", the garden gnome deadpanned. "Ah gave ya yer hint, now fook off."

"Alright, fine", Deadpool relented, as he turned to go.

Unfortunately for him, someone stood in his path.

"Hallo guys, today I'm filming a crazy prank", the man said, as he threw his trench coat off.

Before Deadpool stood the dreaded Sam Pepper. Sam Pepper looked like the ugliest people in London had sex with uglier people in Wales. How that makes sense, no one seems to know except Sam Pepper. Sam Pepper once shot his own friend in the head as a prank, to try and traumatize his other friend for life. He also killed a bunch of people. Sam Pepper was such a horrible human being, that his own mum actually donated money to him in hopes of him shutting down his YouTube channel.

In his hands, Sam Pepper held two English short swords. Deadpool, accepting Sam Pepper's challenge, pulled his katanas from their sheaths. The two combatants walked around each other for a while, until Deadpool charged. Deadpool swung high with his katanas, hoping to lob off the prankster's head. Unfortunately, Sam Pepper was actually a pretty good swordsman, and blocked his attack with ease, countering with a slash to the stomach, which hit Deadpool, slicing him open. Deadpool's guts fell onto the ground, making for an unsavory sight. Sam Pepper ran at Deadpool, going for the killing blow.

"Hang on a sec", Deadpool said, holding up a hand, and stopping Sam Salt (lol, it's so funny the third time) in his tracks. "I need to get these guts back in me. My doctor says that I can't keep letting them flop all over the ground so often."

Sam Pepper nodded, letting Deadpool put his insides back together. Deadpool quickly shoved his intestines back inside himself, arranging them in roughly the right order, and then quickly closed the wound with duct tape.

"Alright", Deadpool said, "I think I've got it. Now, where were-"

Sam Pepper sliced off Deadpool's left arm.

"Hey", Deadpool yelled, "I didn't call 'time in'!"

Sam Pepper sliced off Deadpool's right leg.

"Hey", Deadpool yelled, "what part of, 'I didn't call time in' don't you understand?!"

"It's just a prank, bro", Sam Pepper said, as he sliced off Deadpool's head.

…

The first thing Deadpool noticed was that he was in a mansion of some kind, with purple fleur-de-lis' all over it.

The next thing he noticed was that his head was on his armhole, his arm was on his leg hole, and his leg was on his neck hole.

"C'mon, people", Deadpool said, as he tried to rearrange himself, "simple anatomy, here."

In the end, Deadpool was able to get his leg and arm back on straight, but he accidentally put his head on backwards.

"My dad always told me", Deadpool commented, "that I'd lose my head if it wasn't attached to my body, but who's got the last laugh now, old man? Golfing accident, my ass."

Deadpool snapped his head back into place with a snap of the neck.

"Man", Deadpool quipped, "talk about chiropractic's gone wild!"

Deadpool checked himself, and realized that his DEagles and katanas were gone.

"Good thing they didn't take my magic pouch", Deadpool said, as he reached for his magic pouch.

"Damn it, they took my magic pouch. Ok, it's time for the last resort."

Deadpool reached behind his back, and pulled out a Derringer.

"Butt-gun", he explained to the audience, as he walked around. He thoroughly examined the mansion he was in, trying to find an exit, or at least a Haypenny, but found neither. He was about to give up, when he noticed that the rug he stood on had a wrinkle in it. After lighting it on fire with the blazing desires of his heart, Deadpool found a Haypenny underneath it. Deadpool quickly swiped it off the ground, put it in his butt, and walked around, trying to find an exit.

"Going somewhere", an omnipotent but evil voice asked.

Deadpool screamed like a little girl, and quickly hid his Derringer in his butt.

"I think you already know who I am", SoFloAntonio, the tyrant dictator king of SoFloSanAntonio said, as he walked out from behind a random curtain. He wore a king's golden crown, a purple robe with a fleur-de-lis on it, and had a t-shirt on that said, "I wish I could tell people to publicly kill themselves", and had Deadpool's magic pouch in his belt loop, along with his DEagles and katanas in his back pockets. On his face sat a nose that would have put the Jews to shame.

"SoFloBigNose", Deadpool uttered, "I should have known that you would take the Saint's copyrighted fleur-de-lis. You would steal your own Mom for a buck!"

"But they aren't here", SoFloAntonio asked slyly, "are they?"

But as soon as he said that, an explosion rocked the mansion. Gunfire rang out in all directions. The Prank Police were attempting to defend the mansion, but it would prove to be futile, for the Saints were mad about SoFloAntonio stealing their trade-marked fleur-de-lis, and they had attacked his mansion. On top of that, they had brought reinforcements; the MLG community. As the Saints assaulted the mansion on foot, the MLG community would provide Intervention covering fire, QuickScoping and NoScoping anyone they could.

As another explosion caught SoFloAntonio's attention, Deadpool reached into his butt, and pulled out his Derringer.

"Give it up, SoFloAsshole", Deadpool said, "they have you surrounded, I have my butt-gun pointed at your facial area, and you're pretty much screwed anyway!"

SoFloAntonio thought about that for a moment, and then yelled, "Look behind you!"

Deadpool stole a glance behind him, and found the word "Gullible" written in blood on the wall behind him. The dead body of Ethan Klein from h3h3 productions sat underneath it, his glorious chub-'n-tuck unable to defend him from his untimely death. Deadpool turned around, and found that SoFloAntonio had run off.

"Fooled by the oldest trick in the book", Deadpool mumbled, as he quickly followed.

After following SoFloAntonio's cape for a moment, Deadpool came across a hallway, through which he could finally get a clear shot at SoFloBigNose. Deadpool fired his Derringer, hitting SoFloAntonio square in the back. SoFloAntonio turned around, screaming, "Why don't you pull the log out of your eye before looking for the speck in someone else's?"

"You just completely took that biblical verse out of context", Deadpool yelled back angrily.

SoFloAntonio rounded a corner, and Deadpool followed him. Deadpool came across a church, one which was entirely dedicated to SoFloAntonio; there were lit candles, stain glass windows, chandeliers, pews, and stolen content everywhere. SoFloAntonio popped out from behind one of the sets of pews, and fired Deadpool's M1911's at him.

"Using my own crap against me", Deadpool muttered, "clever, but not effective."

Deadpool turned his Derringer towards a nearby candle rack, and fired at one of the legs. The candle rack fell over, catching SoFloAntonio's cape on fire. SoFloAntonio dropped Deadpool's M1911's, and ran for cover behind another set of pews. Deadpool advanced, quickly grabbing his .45's from off the ground. Deadpool popped up over the pew in time to see SoFloBigNose take aim with Deadpool's Five-Sevens. SoFloAntonio fired with reckless abandon, missing every shot aimed at Deadpool. Deadpool stood still the entire time, so utterly confused at how someone could be so bad a shot. Deadpool raised his M1911's, and fired four shots, all of which struck SoFloAntonio in the chest. SoFLoAntonio fell to the ground.

"Woo-hoo", Deadpool yelled, "I killed the bastard."

But then the bastard stood up.

"I have a health bar", he uttered, and a health bar appeared over his head, displaying one-half green and one-half red.

"Oh", Deadpool responded disheartenly, as SoFloAntonio ran off towards another set of pews. Deadpool leaped towards his Five-Sevens, only to find that SoFloAntonio had broken them.

"You just got pranked", SoFloAntonio yelled from behind his pews.

"Since when did being an asshole become a prank", Deadpool asked, as he stood up to avenge his expensive Five-Sevens. SoFloAntonio stood up at the same time, firing Deadpool's DEagles at him. One of the rounds actually hit Deadpool in the chest, throwing him off balance for a moment. Deadpool fired wildly, his rounds shattering a stain-glass window of SoFloAntonio, getting glass in SoFloAntonio's nose, and driving his health bar down further. SoFloAntonio dropped the DEagles, and ran for the center-stage, pulling out Deadpool's katanas. Deadpool dove for his DEagles, as SoFloAntonio began spinning the katanas in front of him. Deadpool fired his DEagles at SoFloAntonio, but the katana blades deflected the rounds.

"Being an asshole isn't a prank", Deadpool yelled, as he angrily fired into the air. Deadpool heard a scraping sound, and looked up to see the chandelier above SoFloAntonio fall from the ceiling, and crush the content thief. The crown from the top of his head rolled down the stairs, and stopped at Deadpool's feet.

"Oh", Deadpool said, as he stepped on and crushed the gold crown. "That was easy."

Deadpool looked around for something he could steal, and saw a cool-looking belt. He grabbed it, and realized that it was, in fact, a prototype teleportation belt. He quickly put it on, throwing his other belt away.

Deadpool walked up to the chandelier, only to find that SoFloAntonio was still alive. His head was sticking out from under the chandelier, and he coughed up blood as Deadpool picked up his katanas and magic pouch from off the ground.

"You're not worth the bullets", Deadpool told the terrible prankster, "and besides, the Saints are gonna shoot you anyway."

Right then, the president of the United States, with his purple cape, green afro, uncountable facial scars (which in Deadpool's book was a few more than five), unnaturally large and buff body structure, and token Hitler mustache, burst through the door of the church, screaming, in a helium-high-pitched, and strangely British accented voice, "You fucked with the wrong POTUS!"

In his hands, he held an M4, and flanking him on either side were two Secret Service agents, both of them holding DEagles, just to show how overpowered they were.

"Oh hey, Disco Santa", Deadpool said to the president (even though that wasn't his name), "what are you doing here?"

"Are you daft, mate", the president asked Deadpool, with a weird look on his face. "I am the leader of the Not Actually Free World, and the Saints, so the Saints' business is _my_ business. Speaking of which", the president said, as he aimed his M4 at Deadpool, "don't you owe me some money?"

"Look", Deadpool said, raising his hands in the air, "I already explained this to you; I can't pay you back because I'm an impulse buyer, and I want to buy the whole world. It's a superiority complex, or something like that."

"Well, that's fine, cause I've got unlimited resources", the president said, as he pulled back the charging slide on his M4, "but killing you would still make me feel a lot better."

"LOOK BEHIND YOU", Deadpool yelled. The president stole a glance behind him, seeing a really funny Marmaduke joke taped to the wall. The sound of Deadpool jumping through a window being typed into the story caught his attention, and he turned back to see that Deadpool had, indeed, jumped through one of the windows, and had Forrest Gump'ed away.

"Oh, bollocks", the president said, disheartened. "Fooled by the oldest trick in the book. Aw well, let's kill this jammy bastard and be done with it."

With that, the president and his security detail emptied everything they had into SoFloAntonio's face.

…

Arriving at Joey Salad's house, Deadpool kicked down the front door, and quickly ran to the back yard. He found the garden gnome sitting where he had been sitting before, and said, "Guess what?"

"The fook do ya want", the garden gnome asked.

Deadpool pulled the English Haypenny out of his ass, and threw it to him. The garden gnome dropped the jug of milk, and caught the Haypenny in his hands.

"Me own Haypenny", the garden gnome said happily, looking down at the shiny penny.

Deadpool scooped up his jug of milk, and turned around to go home, but he was stopped by a sword going through his abdomen.

"It's just a prank, bro", Sam Pepper whispered into his ear.

Sam Pepper brought his sword up to Deadpool's chest, and yanked his sword out of him. Deadpool fell onto his back, slowly bleeding to death, as Sam Pepper raised his sword to bring it down on Deadpool's head. Deadpool closed his eyes, knowing that by the time he woke up, his milk would be spoiled.

"Fook you", the garden gnome screamed, as he pulled an M16 out of nowhere, and shot Sam Pepper multiple times. "Fook you, eat dick!"

Sam Pepper staggered for a moment, clutching his chest, and screaming, "Awsa prank stop prank! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Sam Pepper fell to the ground, dead, as Pyrocynical made a video about him, called, "SAM PEPPER DIES".

Deadpool looked back at the garden gnome, and said, "You saved my life!"

"Ah didn't like the bastard anehway", the garden gnome said.

"How can I ever repay you", Deadpool asked the garden gnome.

"By getting' tha fook off me lawn", the garden gnome responded, as he pointed the M16 at Deadpool.

"Alright, alright", Deadpool said, holding his hands up defensively, "I'm goin', I'm goin'."

With that, Deadpool stood up, grabbed his jug of milk, and walked back towards the Fastie mart. He began skipping down the sidewalk, only to be stopped by a roadblock.

The Prank Police were looking for him, and he had walked right up to them.

Thirty police officers stood at the road block, all armed with pistols, and bullet-proof vests that had the word "PRANK" written on each one. Deadpool stopped in his tracks as they all aimed their pistols at him. He couldn't drop his milk, because it might break, and he couldn't get into a firefight with the Prank Police, because they might shoot his milk. He was stuck between a rock and a hard place, and as he moved Dwayne the Rock Johnson and the hardware store called A Hard Place away from him, he knew that there was nowhere left to run.

"Are you ready to get pranked, bro", one of the police officers shouted at Deadpool.

Deadpool closed his eyes, knowing that he would soon be covered in milk.

The sound of an Intervention being fired caused Deadpool's eyes to open, as a little kid yelled, "That's right, get NoScoped! GET NOSCOPED!"

Directly in front of Deadpool, the MLG community had stepped in to clean up the streets of the last of the pranksters, and a full on firefight between Dank QuickScopers and the Prank Police began.

The QuickScopers used their Interventions like the British had used muskets back in the Revolutionary war. They all used stupidly outdated tactics, namely the firing lines of the olden days. So it was no surprise that many QuickScopers fell, all screaming like little children through their microphones.

The firing line all simultaneously fired their Interventions at the Prank Police, only felling about three cops. But it didn't really matter, because the QuickScopers had nearly a hundred Dank MLG FaZe Clan members with them, and not a single OpTic Skrub stood among their ranks.

The cops poured more lead into the little seven-year-olds, felling several more with random screams, curses, and cries of "Anybody have some Dedotated Wam?!"

One of the Quickscopers just randomly started angrily screaming in a foreign language, maybe German, and the subtitles tried their best to translate it, but even the translation was complete gibberish. Everyone around him screamed at him to shut up, until the admin muted everyone in the little group, screaming, "Oh my God, SHUT UUUUUUUUUUP!"

The QuickScoping firing line fired once more, felling three more cops, and then the NoScopers moved to the front lines.

The NoScopers played MLG Dubstep as they ran around NoScoping cops. They needed no firing line, as they all had at least three hundred hours of Call of Duty playtime under their belts. One of the NoScopers took cover behind Deadpool, and poked his head out, getting shot in the head.

From his dead corpse came the cries of, "Faggot! You little aimbot little shit! I'll have you know that my Dad owns Satan and I'm going to report you to the Illuminati! Little shit! You think you're special? HUH?! I'll have you know that I'm a Navy SEAL with over 420 confirmed kills, and I can Rekt you twenty seven ways with a pencil! I'm gonna call Shrek to come and Shrek you, you little shit! You're adopted! CYKA BLYAT!"

Another one of the NoScopers, on the other side of the road, got shot through the chest. He grabbed his bleeding wound, and screamed, saying, "Fuck this game, FUCK THIS GAME!"

He disappeared into thin air, the subtitles declaring, "Xxx_FaZe_Walter_BLACKe_xxX has Ragequit."

More NoScopers ran to and fro, NoScoping wherever they could, covering the timely retreat of the QuickScopers. One NoScoper tried to do a 360, but ended up doing only a 180, and accidentally killed a QuickScoper. He covered his mouth with his hand, and then giggled, saying, "Sorry, m8, LMAO!"

However, XXx_Based_Emperor_God_King_Chin_Chin_Jong_Un_xXX came up from behind the NoScoper, saying, "Friendly fire will not be tolerated."

He emptied the entirety of an AK47 into the NoScoper, leaving him for dead in the street, as he left the server.

Another NoScoper ran around Deadpool, firing his Intervention, and hit a cop. He screamed, "Git gud, skrub!"

Another NoScoper ran out in front of Deadpool, missing every shot, but still screaming, in a small child's voice, "Get on my level!"

One of the cops poked out from behind another cop, and yelled at him, "Yeah, I dare ya; RAGEQUIT!"

The NoScoper, fed up with the cop, threw his rifle down, screaming, "I'll show you how angry I am!"

The NoScoper pulled out a Bretta M9, shoved it in his mouth, and pulled the trigger. In the corner of Deadpool's Deadvision appeared the words, "XXX_BanterLadBloker69420Dankness_XXX has rekt XXX_BanterLadBloker69420Dankness_XXX."

All of the NoScopers stopped and stared, screaming things like, "Holy Shrek", "What the fu-heeeeetaaaaaaaasssss?!", and, "Watch your profanity!"

But as soon as they lost interest, they continued trying to NoScope cops.

Eventually, so many Dank MLG QuickScopers and NoScopers lay dead in the street that Deadpool began to wonder if they were going to win. He tapped the shoulder of the NoScoper nearest him, the one who had recently ran by him, and asked him, "Do you think you're gonna win?"

"Do you honestly think you're fucking funny", the NoScoper replied in a grainy voice, without moving his lips. "Bruh, I'll tell you what, you fat little cunt, you're boring, you don't sound Nigerian at all, so go fuck yourself, go crawl back into the dirty dank little hole where you come from, you dragon-eating little spastic. Ok, the dragon-eating thing may have been a little over the top, but-"

Suddenly, he got shot, and fell over, dead, at Deadpool's feet.

"Geez, it was just a question", Deadpool responded.

Eventually, Deadpool began to worry that he was going to be here all day. Twenty five MLG QuickScopers lay dead, along with ten NoScopers, and only twelve cops had been killed. Hugging his jug of milk tighter, he said to himself, as he adjusted the teleporting belt, "Well, you only YOLO once."

With that, he pressed the circular button on the belt buckle, and teleported away.

…

Deadpool arrived at the Fastie mart in a swirling cloud of Deadpool dust, completely unharmed, and with jug of milk in tow.

"Hey, it actually worked", Deadpool said, unaware of the strange voices that lay dormant in his head. It was already dark out in the real world, so Deadpool did a goodnight dance. He walked towards the open door of the Fastie mart, to find Dopinder, his arm bandaged, waiting for him at the door.

"Was you trip successful, Mister Pool", Dopinder asked the spandexed man.

"Indeed it was", Deadpool responded, as he held up his jug of milk.

"Excellent, Mister Pool", Dopinder responded, as several black cars pulled into the parking lot.

"Mister Pool", Dopinder said, his face going pale, "I think I forgot to pay my protection fee for the mafia."

"Why did you take mafia protection", Deadpool asked, astounded at Dopinder's idiocy, as fifty men in black suits began jumping out of the suv's. "You know it's a complete scam!"

"You's guys needs to pays me's", the mob boss said, from the safety of his bullet-proof limo.

"Ok", Dopinder said, "I have the money you want inside."

"WE WON'T GIVE YOU ANYTHING", Deadpool declared.

"Fines thens", the mafia boss said, "ice 'em, boys."

The mafia dudes pulled ice cubes from their pockets, and began throwing them at Dopinder and Deadpool.

"No's, no's", the mafia boss said. "With bullets."

The mafia dudes pulled bullets out of their pockets, and prepared to throw them at the duo.

"No's, no's", the mafia boss said, as he pulled out a nine, and shot Dopinder in the spine. "Likes this."

As the mafia dudes all nodded their heads in relieved understanding, Dopinder said to Deadpool, "Mister Pool, I believe I have been shot for the second time today."

Dopinder fell to the ground. Deadpool, after watching Dopinder fall to the ground, held out his hands to catch him. Deadpool scolded the convenience store owner.

"Dopinder", Deadpool screamed, "what about your insurance costs?! Did you think about that before you got shot?!"

"No, Mister Pool", Dopinder responded disheartenly from the ground.

"Exactly, Dopinder", Deadpool retorted, "let me show you how we deal with these kinds of problems… in the Hood."

Deadpool pulled one of his DEagle's from their holster's, and aimed it at the mafia boss. The boss quickly rolled up his window, as all of the mafia guys pulled out Mac-11's.

"Well this just went from bad to worse", Deadpool rationalized, as he suddenly realized that he was out of ammo. "And now it's gone from worse to clusterfuck."

Deadpool, facing off against the Italian mob with no bullets, suddenly realized that he was completely and utterly screwed. He gripped his jug of milk tightly, and, for the third time today, closed his eyes, knowing that he and his jug of milk would soon be reunited in death, and then quickly separated again.

A generic sound generically nearby him caused him to generically open his eyes. Giant purple trucks began pulling up all around the Fastie mart, and twenty Saints, armed with M4's, spilled out of them. The president of the United States jumped out of a stealth helicopter that no one had noticed, and landed next to Deadpool.

"Mister president", Deadpool said to the glorious purple-caped crusader, with his manly floppy green afro, insanely large manly muscles, manly scarred face, and generic manly Hitler mustache, "did you finally realize that deep down, you secretly love me, and you came to save me so that we can get married and have kids somehow?"

"The fuck", the president asked in his helium-pitched British accent. "No! But I did learn a valuable lesson today; you're always getting to kill blokes, and the only thing I love more than being president, and leader of the Saints, is killing blokes. So, I realized that, in the end, even though you owe me absurd amounts of money, I should be your ally, so I can satiate my nearly unquenchable blood-lust."

"Well, that's a less stereotypical approach to the generic 'last-minute hero' plot-twist", Deadpool said, "but I'll accept it nonetheless."

The president handed Deadpool some DEagle clips, and Deadpool shoved the clips into his DEagles. Right as the click of the clips locking into place reached Deadpool's deranged ears, the mob boss rolled down his window, and said to the mob guys, "Shoots these wierdos, ya hears?"

"Open foiya", the president yelled to his Saints.

All at once, everyone started shooting at everyone. Mafia guys were getting killed by the larger rounds of the M4's, and the Saints were getting killed because everyone in the mafia owned a lucky rabbit's foot, and they just got lucky.

Deadpool stood up, and opened fire with his DEagles, screaming, "Eat flaming doorknobs of death, corporate vampires!"

Before Deadpool could even fire the rest of his rounds, the president ran past him, firing his M4, screaming, "Get screwed, pansies! You invaded the wrong country!"

The president got raked across the chest with Mac-11 fire, and in response, he yelled out obscene curse words that were so bad that God himself censored them before they even came out of his mouth.

The president lifted his M4 with his right hand, and pulled a DEagle out of a random generic back pocket with his left, and fired both at the direction of the enemy. Seven mafia guys were shot down by his relentless fire, each dying with generic Italian speech. But another line of fire raked him across the chest, gaining an oddly sexual gasp from him, and throwing him onto his back.

"NO", Deadpool screamed, as he ran up to the president.

"Deadpool", the president said, as he gave a wet cough, "check my health bar for me, will ya?"

Deadpool checked the president's HUD, and couldn't see any green on his health bar. He turned towards the president, and solemnly shook his head.

"Oh, bollocks", the president said, as he gave another wet cough. "Listen, Deadpool, if I die, I want you to do something very important for me; I need you to clear my browser history on my presidential computer. If Kinsey sees what's on there, she'll have a fit."

"Porn", Deadpool asked.

"Worse", the president responded, "FanFiction."

"Oh God", Deadpool said in disgust.

The president went into a coughing fit again.

"Deadpool", the president said.

"Yes, mister president", Deadpool asked.

"I still kinda fucking hate you", the president admitted.

"I hate anyone in authority, too, mister president", Deadpool admitted.

As Deadpool stood up, he observed the carnage so far. Twenty two mafia dorks lay dead, along with eight Saints. The battle wasn't looking good for either side; the Saint's leader was down, and almost half of either side lay dead on the field. Deadpool looked towards the mafia's side, and saw the boss's limo start to pull away. Deadspool ran towards the limo, trying to jump on it before it left. Deadpool stopped for a moment, read over the script again, and thought that the pun the author made was so retarded, that he stared at the audience for a moment, wishing he had never been born. He was quickly off again, running as fast as his legs could carry him.

However, the limo was faster; it drove away, carrying the mafia boss in it, who generically leaned out the window and yelled, "I'll's be's backs somes days, ya hears?!"

Deadpool pulled out his pistol, took aim, and fired.

The bullet struck the metal part of the door next to the mob boss's head. The boss of the mafia of the Italians quickly turned his stunned expression into a grin, yelling at Deadpool, "You's is the worst shots I've ever seens!"

"I didn't miss", Deadpool replied badassly.

The mafia boss read his lips through his mask, and turned around in horror to see the bullet ricocheting around in his car. It hit his driver in the spleen.

"The front of my back", the driver yelled, as he involuntarily stepped on the gas, making the limo go faster and faster, as he died at the wheel, looking stupid.

The mob boss watched, in horror, as his driver drove him off the Grand Canyon. For several seconds, they fell in slow motion. Then, just as suddenly as it was written, the limo exploded into smithereens, in mid-air, in the Hood.

"Now that's a good fireworks show", Deadpool commented, as he turned just in time to see the remaining mafia nerds surrender to the ten Saints standing. They were all quickly herded into the back of the Saint's cop trucks, and were carted away to a secret landfill, where they would be buried alive.

The president stood up, saying, "Well, that was a jammy-well nap", and walked off without even saying goodbye to Deadpool. His feelings successfully hurt, Deadpool walked towards the direction of where Dopinder lay. The little store owner was unsuccessfully attempting to get up.

"Mister Pool", Dopinder said, "if you could carry me to the phone, I would give you that jug of milk for free."

Deadpool liked the sound of free, mostly because he didn't plan on paying for the milk anyway. Deadpool picked up Dopinder, and threw him over towards the store-counter. As Dopinder called an ambulance, Deadpool hopped onto his Deadmobile, and rode back home.

…

"I'm home, make me cookies", Deadpool said, as he kicked down the door.

The sound of snoring filled Deadpool's ears.

"Oh, well", Deadpool said with a shrug, "the milk is kinda warm anyway."

Deadpool stuck the milk in the fridge, curled up next to Blind Al, the blind old black lady who was his roommate, and fell asleep as well.

Blind Al woke up, and felt Deadpool's face.

"Yep, still ugly", she said as she went back to sleep.

The end, yo, go to bed, yo.


End file.
